And yet I feel so empty inside.
Because soccer, or football, is the most popular sport in the world by far, and you can clearly see how it gives people from every country something fulfilling in their lives to balance out their day-to-day struggles, especially in those impoverished countries. But unless you, America, give it the red, white, and blue stamp of approval, it just doesn’t count.
America, the rest of the world needs you! We all know that without your approval, we wouldn’t have any good music, literature, movies, TV shows, celebrities, politicians, ideas, thoughts, or even food. Until you say “Yes, I will watch this,” it might as well not exist. We need you to say that about soccer.
We can even force everyone to call it soccer, if it helps you tune in.
We will even change the game according to what you like. Should each goal be worth 23 points? Done. Should we remove the position of goalkeeper? No problem. Should we do away with yellow cards, red cards, dives, flops, arguments with referees? Done, done, done, done, done. We could even talk about the possibility of using our hands. Maybe running with the ball.
Whatever it takes, America. It hurts us so deep inside when you tell your friends, “I’m sorry, I’ve tried, but I just can’t get into soccer. It’s so boring.” Please! Give us another chance! Maybe we can make the fields smaller. Or ban the English from playing for awhile.
Every time you say, “Soccer players are a bunch of pansies,” it tears us up. If you prefer, we can lose the gentlemanly nature of the sport. Stop helping up the other team when they fall, stop throwing the ball in to the other team after they give up possession for an injury, stop exchanging national jerseys after hard-fought matches. Instead, we will encourage more fights, punches thrown, benches cleared. We will offer Ron Artest a 20 million dollar contract to start at center fullback for the U.S.
The world has been working tirelessly for over a hundred years to audition their sport for you, so that one day you may deem it exciting enough to watch. Admittedly, maybe we’ve overdone it with how fanatical we get, with our flags and our noisemakers, but our hope is that you see how crazy we are about the sport and one day you will watch it and enjoy it, thereby making it something that is actually worthwhile for us to like.
Please, America, it’s so important to me that you like soccer.
A Soccer Fan