A Letter To My Best Friend’s Fiancee.
First of all, congratulations! When Dave told me he was going to pop the question, I was really happy for you two. I instantly got him into a playful headlock; “What are you doing you dumbfuck?!” I asked jovially. “You’re so fucking stupid, I can’t believe it,” I laughed. Then I bought him shot after shot as we talked about what a great move this would be in the right direction.
We discussed the many, many flings that we each had since we were young men. How meaningless they all were! Lacking all the joy of commitment, the wonder of emotional togetherness, just pure, free sexual encounters. And we drank some more (as you may have noticed when he came home and vomited on the couch). And I know we’ve covered this already but I want to reiterate that it was I who put that girl’s number in his pocket, as a goof. But I now realize the goofs are completely over and done with and it’s onwards and upwards to a goofless existence.
I also just want to say: you’re getting a great guy. I’ve known Dave a long time and trust me, this is the best time to be his fiancee. If for no other reason, he’s already “been there done that” with so many things, you don’t have to worry about him trying anything new. The last six months it’s been rarer and rarer for him to express any desire to do blow in a public restroom or smoke pot to cure a hangover while at work.
I do have one small favor to ask you. As you know, Carrie and I have been together about as long as you and Dave. But when she heard about your engagement, I kind of implied you had been together much, much longer. Also, with the most subtle implication, I kind of suggested that Dave was a very lucky guy, not just because of the many things that make you an awesome potential wife, but also because you’re a tad bisexual and open to introducing college-aged females into your bedroom. Again, this was just an implication, but just in case Carrie asks about these things, please understand that I’m just trying to keep her expectations realistic about our own relationship. I’m not asking you to lie, but it would be helpful for everyone if you could find it in yourself to go along with these certain implications.
So congratulations again and I can’t wait for the wedding! It’s going to be great to get all the guys back together and have one last wild night with Dave at the bachelor party before it’s all over. We promise to deliver him to you the next day in one piece and keep the drunken wrestling to a minimum (though I can’t make any promises!).
Your new “brother-in-law,”