A Letter from the “Man” in Positive K’s Rap Hit “I Got a Man” to Positive K.

Dear Positive K,

Please stop talking to my girlfriend. She’s told you repeatedly that she has a boyfriend, yet you continue to harass her. She’s even offered to accept your friendship despite your aggressive behavior, but you’re clearly only interested in stealing her from me.

Now, I understand that to you, I may be a nameless, faceless roadblock in your conquest to have sex with a pretty girl, but I assure you, I am a real person. I have a family, a job, an apartment, and a dog. My girlfriend, whom you have met, is out with her friends tonight because one of them recently got a divorce. Why don’t you find her? I’m sure she’d be an easier target.

As for me, I am stuck working late here at the warehouse, unloading a truck. I get paid time and a half, and I can’t really afford to turn it down. Hey, we can’t all be rappers, as you may find out yourself one day if your career goes where I think it’s going. I may work in a warehouse, but I’m a good guy. I don’t hit my girlfriend, I’m there for her when she needs me, I take her out to dinner, I never forget our anniversary. And I’m not bad looking either. I’m a catch, Positive K. In fact, if you and I got to know each other, you might actually want to be friends with me. And then think of how you would feel after spending so much time trying to convince my girlfriend to leave me and sleep with you.

I don’t write this letter because I’m scared my girlfriend will go for it. She’s loyal and good to me. Also, she has herpes and that prevents her from sleeping around, even before I met her. So please, Positive K, stop talking to my girlfriend. She’s telling you she has a man and what you’re doing isn’t cool. I’m also sending you your CD, The Skills Dat Pay Da Bills, which I will now have trouble listening to without thinking about how this night went down. I do think it’s interesting though that “The” is spelled correctly but “Dat Pay” and “Da Bills” is spelled with “D’s.” I’ll be honest, I don’t get it.

From,

Mitchell Friedbaum

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~ by mickeyfick on November 18, 2010.

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