Recently writer Bruce Buschel wrote a blog called “One Hundred Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do (Part One),” in which he listed 50 things that he thinks waiters shouldn’t do while waiting on customers. To be fair, many of the items listed are right-on, good, albeit basic points of service, and guidelines to being a good waiter. There are some misguided ones, the main point that he’s missing being that waiters don’t often decide how they are going to wait on tables, much of that is decided by their managers (i.e., when to take away plates, saying their name while greeting a table). A point which Mr. Buschel may understand and he may be grouping management into “Restaurant Staffers,” however the distinction is not made and unfortunately, this may inspire customers to blame waiters for many things that are simply the policy of the restaurant.
A bigger mistake is assuming that waiters, unless employed by you, give a fuck what you think.
There are career waiters out there for sure, most of them in very nice restaurants, people whom we actor/waiters call “lifers.” There’s no shame in being a career waiter and many of these points of service are very important to the lifer, if obvious and learned a long time ago. The rest of us though, those who are waiting tables while we pursue a career in the arts, go to school, or were recently laid off from our “real” jobs, just simply shouldn’t be asked to give too much of a fuck about your gravy. A little bit, sure, in that you ask for gravy and you receive it, but beyond that, you’re deluded. You’re deluded because you wish that we would give more of a fuck about your gravy, but alas, the proper amount of fuck giving has been reached once you receive your gravy.
Seems harsh, but let’s face facts, Mr. Buschel. I wonder how many classy, expensive restaurants don’t already abide by every rudimentary rule that you laid out – probably, let’s say – all. So that leads me to believe you’re talking about all the other burger joints, lunch places, hip spots, wine bars, etc. in the city. Wherein a lot of the waiters, and it seems like this is the thing that really pisses you off, are not in fact at the end of their life story and have landed in a place where they need to abide by strict guidelines in order to serve assholes like you, but are rather making money to pay rent as they continue on their life’s journey, and are merely doing a good job serving food to people.
The worst thing about Bruce Buschel’s little whiny “I’m a customer so rub my nuts” rant is that he probably didn’t write it for actual restaurant staff. Unless it was to piss off actors like me, which he’s got some kinda vendetta against (did you actually get beat up by an actor in high school? What were you – a cheerleader?). Seems like he actually wrote it to empower other needy childish customers who think they’re owed some kind of royal treatment because you show up at a restaurant. It’s New York, everyone eats at restaurants. Even waiter/actors.
So sure, Bruce, your points of service are fine, good, and pretty basic. I’m sure you’ll be a fabulous dickhead manager one day whom everyone will hate and the kitchen guys will call a colorful nickname like “pandejo.”
So with as little bitterness as possible from years and years of dealing with cocksuckers like yourself, here’s my own fucking list:
One Hundred Things Restaurant Customers Should Never Do (Part One)
1. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you’re “my boss” and I work for you. You’re just a guy who wants food and drink, deal with it. You want power? Ask for a promotion.
2. Never mention the tip (unless asked). Don’t even say “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you.” Because it’s classless and most of the time, you don’t.
3. Don’t snap, whistle, clap, or yell to get a waiter’s attention. You got a bad waiter? Shit happens. I’m sorry. A simple hand gesture to an employee would be fine though, they’re not dogs.
4. If you ask me what my favorite thing is or what I like to eat, be prepared that I might be a vegetarian or something and that I’m not you. If you don’t want to hear about me then don’t ask about me.
5. Don’t dare to leave zero tip unless something happened that was so crazy bad that no one would blame you. This is New York City. Let’s be real.
6. Don’t act tough if you’re arguing with a waiter unless you actually think you could fight him in the street. This is New York City. Let’s be real.
7. If you’re splitting the check and one pays cash and one pays the difference in credit, make sure you look at the total amount and realize that no tip was taken out of the cash yet.
8. Don’t walk into a restaurant pointing and darting to some table.
9. Don’t try to make insane substitutions. Most of the time it’s a matter of cost. You can’t substitute a piece of salmon for fries.
10. When your companion says “No avocado,” don’t chime in and say “I’ll have his avocado.” It doesn’t work like that. We’re not on a ration system. Rather, ask your companion, “Would you mind getting the avocado on the side, actually, so I can have some?” And we’ll put it on the side.
11. Never touch a waiter. No excuses. Do not do it. Do not brush them, move them, wipe them or dust them. (Borrowed liberally from Buschel’s list).
12. Never interrupt a waiter as he is taking another table’s order.
13. Don’t make light of the fact that you ordered a bottle of wine with a screw cap, it doesn’t mean the wine is inferior quality. If it comes in a box, that’s a different story.
14. Zinfandel is red. White Zinfandel is bad.
15. Don’t get weirded-out if a waiter is trying to upsell, that’s their job, it’s what their boss requires them to do. Just state plainly and proudly that you’re okay with tap water. Most of the time, so is the waiter when he goes out to eat.
16. If a waiter is at your table, don’t do little hand signals or wave your glass in front of him. Use your words. You’re an adult, use your words.
17. If the restaurant doesn’t automatically bring you bread, don’t say “Do we get bread?” Ask if you may have some bread. You’re not entitled to bread everywhere you go. But most places will offer bread upon request.
18. Don’t sit down at a table and then get up and start moving tables and chairs around because you have more people coming or you feel you need more space. Ask politely and the staff should accommodate as best they can.
19. Know what kind of restaurant you’re in. If you’re in a diner, expect diner service, if you’re in a dark, hip club expect a model to ignore you.
20. Don’t be a dick.
21. Don’t write about specific restaurant employees online. That’s really messed up. Unless you are prepared to fight them (See Thing #6).
22. Don’t make fun of or be turned off by or otherwise care about a waiter who says “ya’ll,” or “you guys,” or “no problem.” There are thousands of waiters in the city from all over the world, we’re all gonna have different ways of talking.
23. Look around at your surroundings. When it’s busy, please try to understand that a lot of waiters have O.T.S. Other Table Syndrome.
24. Never, ever order water with a “bunch of lemons and sugar.” Especially when the place sells lemonade. Ever.
25. Understand that not all restaurants do “seat numbers,” so sometimes people have to ask who got what. Most nice restaurants do, but otherwise, deal with it.
26. Don’t ignore the waiter. It doesn’t make you more powerful or superior to anyone.
27. Don’t ask how something on the menu is and then judge the waiter’s response. Take it at face value. If he says “good,” don’t say “Ahhhh, you don’t seem too convincing.” Shut up and order something.
28. Don’t be sleazy to young female waiters.
29. If you’re visiting from Europe or Japan, read a guidebook or google “tipping at restaurants in America.”
30. If the waiter puts down a regular and a decaf coffee for you and your companion and you ask “Are you sure this is decaf?” and he says “Yes,” don’t ask how he knows. Like the waitress on Seinfeld said, “You couldn’t possibly understand the intricacies of my job.”
31. If a restaurant doesn’t have a certain thing, there’s nothing the waiter can do to make it appear.
32. At the end of the night, or around 4pm, a lot of times waiters are set to leave work and continue on with their lives – sure, not your problem. However, if you are paying a check, give your credit card, get it back, and sign it – you can stay there talking as long as you want, but just please for the love of God sign your check so the waiter can go home and kiss his girlfriend.
33. A lot of times, your waiter will be sipping red wine out of a coffee mug while at work. You got a problem with that? You try working in a restaurant.
34. Realize that waiters are sometimes terrific problem solvers. But we can’t solve the problem if you’re too busy being dramatic about something that went wrong. (This isn’t an audition). (Fuck you Bruce Buschel).
35. If you can’t afford to tip 20% tip, don’t go out to eat, or go to more inexpensive places. If you’re just a bad tipper, don’t expect the best service in the world when you come back.
36. There’s nothing wrong with making fun of yourself if you’re being high-maintenance, it lets the waiter know you know that he knows and unless the waiter’s a dick, it’s probably fine.
37. If your waiter greets you and asks, “How are you doing?” don’t say “Iced Tea.” That’s not an answer to that question.
38. Don’t be pessimistic and phrase questions like, “Is the salad really gigantic or is it a little dinky salad?” Maybe it’s just the right size, asshole, ever think of that?
39. Don’t order items that are not on the menu. If you can’t read that’s fine, just ask questions politely and we’ll give you answers.
40. Don’t be a dick.
41. Just because you don’t understand what a menu item is, don’t make fun of it, you’re probably only making fun of yourself.
42. Don’t tell a waiter to smile. It’s not your place. I’m at work. Do you smile constantly at work?
43. If your waiter greets you and asks, “Would you like something to drink?” don’t say, “I’m waiting for someone.” That’s not an answer to that question.
44. If a restaurant is busy or at a peak time, they are not going to sit two people at a table for four. Deal with it.
45. Overused jokes are fine, but just so you know, here’s one: Upon finishing everything on your plate, “I hated it, obviously.”
46. If you want another tea bag it costs money. Sorry.
47. Don’t assume you’re smarter than the waiter just cause you work some office job. Perhaps you’re just more willing to compromise.
48. If you’re on your cell phone at my table, I’m just gonna let you finish up that conversation before I take your order.
49. If your waiter greets you and asks, “How are you doing?” don’t immediately get quiet and look down at the menu. That’s not an answer to that question.
50. Don’t go out to eat with Bruce Buschel. He seems like a total cockbag.
In a recent article in Esquire magazine about Guy Ritchie and his badass ways, the hard-living director says that gypsies will steal from you but they will also teach you valuable lessons.
What People Be Saying.